i only have eyes for you
by kitty-fcuk
Summary: on harry and hermione's 1st year anniversary, harry goes to ron for sex tips. when harry makes a flip comment about hermione's sister (rachel) being sexy hermione turns into a psycho murderer. involves some amusing incidents with blow up dolls & cucumbers


"Oooh, your lips are sooo soft!"

"Mmmm"

"You smell sooo good too"

"Mmmm"

"And, oooh your six pack is sooo firm"

"'Mione?"

"Yes?"

"Could you please shut up so I can stick my tongue down your throat?"

SMACK!

Ron stormed over, his eyes flashing.

"Jeez, Harry will you quit it?"

Harry removed the blow up doll from himself and sighed.

"I'm just really nervous about tonight. It's mine and Hermione's one year anniversary and she's going to expect me to be a tiger in bed!"

Ron snorted with laughter.

"It'll be fine, mate. Just relax,"

"But…but…. What if she feels she would get more pleasure from my wand penetrating her?" Harry moaned.

"Erm, use a memory charm or erm…turn your wand into a baseball bat. She'll be gagging for it!"

"Exactly, Ron. 'It'… not me!" Harry blinked a few times through his glasses, staring at Ron.

"What?" Ron asked suspiciously.

"Uh uh! No way mate, keep that thing away from me!" Ron teased.

"Oi! What are you going on about? I was just going to ask you for some… ya know – pointers?" Harry looked at the floor, feeling himself go bright red.

"Heh." Ron felt uncomfortable. "Since it's you mate, alright…but no, er, physical contact alright?"

"Right," Harry muttered.

"Hmmm, well you really should do something about that bush. So not a turn on for girls. I mean, bleurgh!"

"Oh that's nice, Ron. Real nice!"

"Sorry, mate. Can I give you some hints when it's not so… you know"

"Not so what?!" Harry said in quite a squeaky voice.

"All hot and red!" Cried Ron.

"Hot and red?" A voice drawled from the doorway. "You wouldn't happen to be talking about me would ya?"

"Rachel?" Gasped Harry as he grabbed a flower from a nearby coffee table and attempted to conceal himself.

Rachel was wearing the tiniest black dress Harry had ever seen. Her legs looked smooth and bronzed and as for her hair? Wow! It was now a fiery red colour that fell into perfect curls and sexy, glossy, spirals resting around her cleavage.

"Nice flower," She remarked trying not to giggle at his pathetic attempt of hiding his talent. "Roots might need trimming though!" She sashayed past him, curvy hips swinging in perfect rhythm to the throb of Harry's penis.

"Hi, Rach!" Ron smiled

"Hey!" She flashed a perfect smile back at him.

"Where are you going then dressed like that?" Ron enquired.

Rachel was lingering by the fruit bowl. "Nowhere." She said as she popped a grape into her mouth. "Mmmm, yummy! She laughed as a trickle of grape juice dripped down her chin and onto her cleavage.

Harry was trying so hard not to moan at the thought of Rachel's wet breasts.

"Well, I gotta go babes," she sang as she walked past Harry, her smooth skin briefly brushing Harry's arm. Something exploded in Harry's head.

As soon as Rachel had shut the door, Harry dived into the bathroom, masturbating furiously.

"R…r…Ron?" Yelled a breathless Harry.

At that moment, Hermione entered the flat.

"Ssssh!" she whispered, grinning from ear to ear.

"Yeah, mate?" Ron called out nervously.

"I definitely picked the wrong sister! That Rachel is a hot piece of ass!"

Ron squeezed his eyes together as tightly as he could.

"Wooooah! I mean, if it wasn't for Hermione I would be bangin' that babe all over the flat right now!"

HARRY…SHUT…UP! Ron's mind was screaming.

He watched nervously as the colour drained from Hermione's face.

She stormed into the kitchen and re-appeared with a devilish grin on her face.

Uh-oh! Thought Ron, filled with dread as he spotted the cucumber Hermione was clutching as she sprinted to the bathroom, a murderous look in her eye.

SMACK! "You stupid," SMACK! "Lying," SMACK! "Cheating," SMACK! "Asshole!" Hermione roared.

"What, ow! Hermione I can explain!" he cried, laughing nervously and wincing in pain as his girlfriend was battering him with a vegetable.

"Explain this! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Hermione screamed as with one last CRACK, she brought the cucumber down and snapped Harry's penis clean in half.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH! You broke my freakin' knob!" Harry was doubled over in sheer agony.

Suddenly, Ron and Rachel burst into the bathroom, looks of pure horror and also concern on their faces.

"And as for you, you little bitch!" Spat Hermione. She ripped the towel rail off the wall and ran straight at her sister with a look of madness and pure evil on her face.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion.

"Her…mi…o…ne" She heard Ron shout in a blurry tone. "Stooooop!" He shouted.

But before she could stop herself she had brought the rail down hard round Rachel's face. Rachel fell to the floor slowly.

Hermione didn't know what to do. She couldn't stop herself. Slowly, she turned to see a ghostly-white looking Ron. The towel rail in her hand clattered noisily to the floor as she threw it down, terrified of what she was doing. But something inside Hermione's head was screeching, "Kill! Kill!"

"Make it stop!" She pleaded desperately.

Hermione?" Ron asked nervously.

"Kill, kill, kill…him!" The voice rasped.

Slowly, almost like she was in a trance, she trudged to the kitchen and gingerly picked up a butcher's knife. As she did so she caught a glimpse of her reflection. She looked excited and dangerous, though inside her soul was crying, screaming, begging her to stop. Begging her to control this unknown dark force. Unfortunately for Hermione it was too strong and she wanted the voice to go away so badly!

She span around, her auburn hair flicking wildly as she crept silently into the next room where Ron was crouched over Rachel who was wincing quietly.

Rachel saw Hermione coming and whimpered loudly, but Ron merely assumed she was in pain.

"Ssssh, it's going to be ok. I'm going to call for help, ok?"

Rachel moaned in response, her eyes widening even more with every step Hermione took.

"Great plan, Ron!" Hermione stated coolly and with that she laughed and before he could talk her out of her next attack, she dived straight for him…


End file.
